Self Portrait Tuesday # 17

SPT: February Challenge - "All of Me"

I am so glad that this is the very last post of this month...I try so hard to be happy and think happy thoughts and put happy images out there. I don't like presenting myself in any manner where I feel uncomfortable, unattractive, or vulnerable... but that's just it...that's life isn't it.

So this is me over the past two years, either taken by myself or by esquire himself. Pre-pregnancy, pregnant, and after losing her...on vacation, at home...dressed or otherwise (hee hee!) I am who I am, and I'm good with that, and I can't ask for anymore.

L to R, T to B:

-Sleepy Eyes (late night)

-New Haircut (the shortest ever)

-Sticking out my tongue at the White Cliffs of Dover (ultra attractive)

-Peace Out at Stonehenge

-Bathtub girl (*blush*)

-Fake smile in the bloody tower (Tower of London)

-Swim cap lovely

-Red hair & the dog

-Crossed arms morning sick in Monterey

-Posing pregnant in Santa Cruz, CA

-My only picture of my little one...and I guess the only picture of my uterus...

-My big 'ol mouth plus gum

-So important on the phone

-Internet addict (my hair is getting so long!)

-College sweatshirt and the doggy

-Waiting in the airport

-Bowling ball head in San Francisco

-Chubby cheeks (Coit Tower in the background)

-Pinky at Chinatown Gate

-Glary glasses on the way to a hocky game...chilly!

Things I love Thursday

I don't wear much jewelry but these two items are a constant...I love,love,love them.

The Ring: I grew up hangin' out with my great grandmother, playing cards, crocheting a mean doily or what-not, and I always admired this ring. It's black onyx in white gold w/an inset diamond and was given to her by her parents in the 1920s when she graduated from high school. She passed away when I was 9 and I always wondered what happened to the ring...I never saw it again. On the day I graduated from college my grandmother presented it as a gift to me...

The Bracelet: This was a present from my best-friend...not for a joyful occasion, but a wonderfully kind gesture to ease my heartache. It's by a great artist (Amy Peters) and is a star which says "SHINE". It arrived in the mail shortly after I lost my baby... I can't explain how much it really means to me.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 16

SPT: February Challenge - "All of Me"

Is this road rage? maybe a convulsion? no. . . it couldn't be. . . singing, could it?

Let me just say you all are lucky this is Self Portrait Tuesday...and not Self Vocal Tuesday. I absolutely love to sing...loud or soft, low or high, pitchy or otherwise...I will belt it out like my life depends on it.

On this particular day I was performing my rendition of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U been gone" and I believe I was midway through the "yeah, yeah" portion of the lyrics...can you imagine the scene...me driving (probably haphazardly) screaming at the top of my lungs all while taking my own picture with a big 'ol honkin camera? You absolutely gotta love the depths we'll travel to in order to capture the essence of "me"...

May I also point out my disgustingly dry lips in serious need of some form of balm.

More incredible pictures here.

Beautiful Sunday

Today is a particularly sad day for me...but I have this Beautiful Sunday...

Wednesday Memesday

Guilty Pleasures

Flowers: Fresh flowers come at a premium in the desert so it's such a treat for me to buy a beautiful bouquet of wild flowers and give them their own space to reside on the kitchen table. I could just sit & stare at the uniqueness of each flower for hours as I lovingly arrange them to coexist with one another. There's something simple, naked, and sensual about flowers to me...they are as they appear, the glorious orchid, the cheery gerber, the romantic rose, or the shy yet seductive calla lily.

Pedicures: I've met many people who've told me they can't stand it when strangers touch them, or even hug them...but I say, I'll let anyone rub my feet, massage my back, or tousle my hair who's ready & willing. Human touch is important to me, it's relaxing and comforting. The best part of a pedicure is not only do you get a thorough leg rub down, but you leave with fabulous girlified toes and nice soft feet.

Containers: It may sound odd, but I have a container obsession. Anything that can hold anything is my infatuation. Ikea and The Container Store are my Mecca...jars, bottles, boxes, bags, cans, cups, baskets, and tins. Even if I don't have something to fill the container, I will buy it with the idea that I will, sometime in the future, have a need for said container...isn't this crazy!

Name Brand Cleaning\Beauty supplies: OK, let me explain... I grew up in a household where we couldn't always afford the best of things, and when we could, my mom was too frugal to splurge. I grew up with generic brands which for me meant crunchy towels, and not so spring fresh laundry, cleaning windows with Windokleen and old newspaper, and washing my long hair with all-in-one product...ouch! By no means am I a snob, etc. and I am aware of the tricks of advertising and marketing, but I know a good product when I use one. I feel guilty sometimes when I buy these products, but it is such a treat for me, so in a way I'm glad I grew up without them. I know I don't have to have them, but that I'm lucky I can afford them.

Cadbury Eggs: Easter is coming...Easter is coming, and specifically I mean...CADBURY EGGS ARE ALMOST HERE!! For as long as I can remember I have relished at the thought of biting into the ooey gooey sugary goodness of this completely unnatural milk chocolate concoction (at the risk of lapsing into a sugar induced coma and all!) I'll allow myself one, just one.

Incredible Coach Bag: I have never owned a purse that cost more than $30...I prefer to shop at TJ Maxx or Target for such an accessory. One day while in Seattle for business, I happened to walk past the Coach store and henceforth became enamored with what I consider to be a work of art in leather. I happened to mention my new found love to esquire himself and guess what this little girl got for Valentine's Day! I did not see the bill, I did not hand over the plastic, so I will accept the gift in the most gracious manner I can....WHOOO HOOO!

Self Portrait Tuesday # 15

SPT: February Challenge - "All of Me"

So...this is me this week, exhausted, sad, confused. My daughter would have been born this week and I can't stop thinking about how different my life would have been. This would have been her room, this would have been her dresser, these would have been her clothes... If I could, I'd like to just curl up and shut myself away in one of the drawers in hopes that when I come out, everything will be normal again.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 14

SPT: February Challenge - "All of Me"

A Portuguese girls gotta do what a Portuguese girls gotta do... So here I am red faced and shiny after a facial wax. I'm sure there's a million people out there that do it, but I've always been embarrased to admit this vanity...sure I'll fess up to waxing my eyebrows, but what woman wants to talk about the fact that they have unsightly facial hair?

I can't help it...it's in my gene's! I suppose if we ever enter into another Ice Age, I may survive just a bit longer than another less pileous being... Another issue I have with this picture is the slight double chin, but we'll just say that I'm working on that issue.

I'll admit that I'm easing myself into this months challenge. My face is my favorite part of my body. I will linger in front of a mirror if that's all I see, but will avoid all unnecessary contact with a full length mirror...the next weeks should be interessting, we'll see if I expose myself further.

Photobooth Friday # 2

This was when I was about 13 years old and we were at a movie theatre...it was a polaroid photobooth which I thought was pretty cool. I think we were up to no good...fun times!

Self Portrait Tuesday # 13

Whew...the last pic for Personal History month on Self Portrait Tuesday. I chose this picture for two reasons. The first is that I felt guilty about my first post of the month where I discussed my relationship with my brother. I didn't want to leave the impression that he's anything but an incredibly kind person who I was privledged to grow up with...we certainly never had a dull moment!

The second reason for choosing this pic is simply that it makes me laugh. The thing that cracks me up about this picture is that it was taken in January, but I'm rip roarin' ready for Halloween...I always loved to dress up!

See more Self Portraits here and here

Collage # 3

click on image for best view, and see more collage here and here...

The Waver

I see him every time I drive through this intersection and I think he is great. He waves and smiles for at least 8 hours a day and is just gosh darn jovial in appearance. Here's the thing...I always wave to him, every time I pass by, and Mike thinks I'm antagonizing him. Maybe I did giggle the first couple of times I waved, but I think it was that I felt odd waving at a complete stranger on a regular basis. In my mind I'm simply reciprocating his wave, even though he's not necessarily directing his wave towards me...and I'm going to keep doing it, because I think his grin gets just a tad wider when he sees me wave, and that makes me feel good.

Photobooth Friday #1

I only have two photobooth pics in my life collection and this is one of them...I'll have to search out photobooths in my town as I never recall seeing any...

We just took this in December at the Exploratorium in San Francisco...they're a bunch of little stickers...I think it's a little creepy.

Thanks Andrea for the great idea!

Self Portrait Tuesday #12

These are the two lovely creatures of which I am the offspring. This picture was taken Halloween of 1978 and it has always been an intrigue to me. My brother was 2 years old and I was but a twinkle in their eye...I imagine what fun my mom must have had concocting such costumes, how they might have laughed getting ready(I can't believe my dad let my mom paint his face!), and what sort of trouble they got into at the party. Another mind bender for me is that I am the same age now as they were in this picture...I just always remembered looking at this picture as a kid thinking how cool they were, going to a grown up costume party and all dressed as some sort of KISS spider creatures. I still feel like a kid, waiting for my day to come...I actually hope it never does...I like feeling this way!

More SPT here and here.

Belly Up!

Oh...sweet Seattle, I could barely stand to leave knowing there are at least 279 more kitschy corners of your town I've yet to stumble upon. By some mastery of my constant maneuvering mind, I managed to turn a business trip into a menagerie of exploration with an almost equi-ratio shopping to working experience.

I forged my way through rain & muck... & although it was treasure I sought, I found something a trillion times more important...an aspect of my life I'd completely forgotten. In every shop, bar, or booth I entered I conversed with any English speaking being who seemed willing (with the exception of one non-lingual canine cutie!) and I remembered how fulfilling it can be to share and listen with a complete stranger. I realize how small my world really is and that there are so many interesting, creative, and genuine individuals out there. I see crime and cruelty on a daily basis in the news, but forget that this is not what makes up our world. Our world is made up of these people, simple and complex, beautiful and not so, intelligent or otherwise, but kind-hearted, chivalrous, and real.

I remembered how it feels to rely on myself for everything I need, terrified of being my own navigator on streets unknown. Dining alone is more then a humbling experience, but an experiment in human nature, it's been a long time since I sat in the bar area alone!

More than anything I missed my dear husband...his kind heart, glowing smile, and warm body next to mine at night. He is my constant, my friend, my love. If I could only really be the person he imagines me to be, I would be a magnificent lady!

Places Visited this trip:

• Pike Place Market - ate here...yummy, loved this of course!
• Seattle IKEA in Renton a.k.a. mudslide city.
• Super cool stores in U Village - like this shop, and this, and especially this! had fun noodles and a beer here (I needed to chill out after a hard days work of course!).
• I love this store at Bellevue Square...oh how I wish we had one here. Incredible lunch here, right down the street from the office.
• Had too short of a jaunt to the Fremont district, not much daylight this time of year. Super cool store there called Burnt Sugar...no website.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 11

This is simply my favorite picture of my child self and I had to choose it for SPT. What more could a little girl want than an impossibly cute outfit (topped of with a matching crayon hair band, of course!), a day at the fair, and her very own pony ride? My mom loves this picture too, she calls me her little sparrow...mostly because of the way I scrunched up my face like this when I smiled.

I was 3 years 10 mo. in this picture and even at a young age in my life, it was a pivotal moment. Several months later, my father was in a car accident in which he broke his neck and was paralyzed from the neck down. I remember the day my mom got the phone call and I can still feel myself latching on to her leg as she erupted into a panic of fear and sadness. This is my earliest memory in life...

My father is an incredibly strong-willed, physically & emotionally, man and with the grace of something or someone greater than ourselves, he regained feeling in all extremeties and went on to learn how to walk again, tie his own shoes, feed himself, all at the age of 31. To this day he is the strongest man I know and has taught me priceless life lessons, notably to work hard with determination and a well laid out plan and I will get what I want in life.

Stress Relief

This made me feel particularly at ease today... I'm having sort of a rough road emotionally and...ta-da I was given a promotion at work and I start a completely new job next week with a huge set of responsibilities. I'll be training for a week in soggy Seattle, then in West Palm Beach for a two day meeting, discussing topics which I have no clue about, and undoubtedly will be sitting there with a deer caught in the headlights type stare...

I had two funky things happen today, in order of occurrence:

• I was jolted awake first thing by an unsettling dream which placed me in an elevator with two other people (a man and a woman, but I don't know who they were). I entered the elevator on the 11th floor and the man hit the 1st floor button, directly after pressing the button there was a snapping sound and the elevator proceeded to plummet for what seemed like an eternity. I fell to my knees with a death grip on the railing and began to beg God to forgive me of all of my sins, not being a very religious person this was an uncharacteristic outburst, but felt oh-so appropriate. I can't shake the torment I felt at that point, or the notion that I wasn't necessarily afraid to die, but that I was afraid to die with this unknown,unforgiven burden on my back...I awoke before we hit the bottom.

• Around noon I felt this incredible urge to wipe clean my proverbial slate. The best way for me to describe this feeling is that I would feel so much better if I could remove all of the contents of my brain for the last couple years, give them a good scrub down, toss some of them out, and put the valuable ones back in. I feel like a car driving down a fog nestled road with no signs or lights to guide my way, like a lunch box packed full of junk food, and no room for anything healthy, like a game of Tetris on expert mode, but I've lost my control...

I must be losing it!

Self Portrait Tuesday # 10

Then & Now

Self Portrait Tuesday - January Challenge: Personal History

All my life I wanted nothing more than to be my brother's friend. I always tried so hard, but he, being almost 4 years older than me, and completely cool, was not all that accepting of my attention. When he had his friends sleep over I would sit in his doorway and listen because that wasn't necessarily part of his "room", but then he'd slam the door in my face. Once, I begged him not to go on a ski trip with his friends because I didn't want to be alone for the weekend, of course he went. At our grandparents home he would see how fast he could skate around the block, and each lap I'd have a glass of water waiting for him, just because I thought he'd like it. I never got a glass of water when I tried...

The sad part is we don't really talk all that much anymore. He has his life, and I have mine. Maybe aftertrying for so many years, my heart just gave up on the quest. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and I think he is a wonderful person. We just have absolutely nothing in common, and are lacking a strong bond that most siblings have. I wish things were different, but I can't say it was for lack of trying.

Can it be so?

"A rolling stone gathers no moss"

-Publilius Syrus

Although this year is slowly nearing an end, I find myself gaining momentum. It has been a rough road thus far with several potholes & roadblocks. . . one major traffic jam in particular. I've realized that life is what we make it, that the quality of my my day/year/life will not be determined by anything other than my attitude each morning. I struggle with many distractions in my life and am learning to trust my instinct to guide me towards the correct path.

I'm hopeful for a completely felicitous new year. . . to outwardly become the person I truly am, to do the things I so desire. I'm inspired creatively by incredibly talented people to craft with my hand & my heart. I'm inspired by friends & family to love freely and to believe that broken hearts will mend and that I'm not alone...ever. So I will keep rolling, through this new year, and many to come.

Feliz Ano Novo!

Lucky Me

Not only did I just get back from a fabulous trip to San Francisco, but we got to go on a shopping spree today thanks to the wonderful invention of the "gift card".

Check out these fun shoes I bought... I'm not much of a "real" shoe person. By this I mean an actual enclosed-toe supportive/functioning shoe. Living in Las Vegas, I much prefer the flip-flop to keep the little piggies cool & calm. Since it's now our "winter" season in La La Land I figure it would be prudent of me to purchase actual foot apparel so as not to appear. . . homeless.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 9

Red door in the Marina District...I loved the character of the color, the old handle, even the security mesh!

The building that belonged to the red door...I wonder what sort of curiosities the former business contained?

A funky garage door in San Francisco. I can tell Mike was looking around, hoping no one was watching his crazy wife taking a picture of herself in a random garage door...

Storm drain in Nob hill. I'm the triangular blob of a reflection at the bottom in the water.

I couldn't help but post all 4 of my Self Portraits this Tuesday. We had a unique Christmas in San Francisco with all the sights and sounds of the city which we are completely unaccustomed to. I was glad to have the new camera to capture our adventure.