Every day I travel the same road to work, and most days I see the same cars, the same drivers...doing their makeup, drinking their coffee. One car & driver combo struck me silly this morning.
The car: Early 90s Jeep Wrangler, rusty red but mostly covered in dirt from what I assume to have been multiple muddy adventures, soft top with sides removed, equipped w/ winch, etc.
The driver: Early 30s, strong faced (scruffy), mountain man type. Flannel shirt, jeans, & boots. I get the sense that he may not have showered in the last 48 hours, yet...
The funny thing is, for at least 5 minutes straight, he primps himself in the rear view mirror. He fusses with his hair, puts on chap stick, fusses with the hair some more. It made me giggle that he looked like he had just rolled out of a 2 week camping trip, but put more effort into his "look" than I ever have...
I'll try & snap a picture of him this week
Monday, October 31, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
It's been awhile. . .
Where do I even begin. . .I don't know who "they" are, but supposedly "they" say when you go through something traumatic or sad, you should write down your feelings...even if no one will ever read them. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I suppose that's beside the point.
As most stories begin, ours was filled with hope and pure excitement. We found out on our anniversary (June 15th) that we were going to be parents. I was up at 5am, snuck in the bathroom by myself to take the test, I just had a feeling. I thought it would be the best anniversary gift I could give. I couldn't contain my glee and woke Mike up shortly before 6am. It was absolutely surreal...he asked me to take another test before we left for work, I did, positive.
The first trimester of my pregnancy was mostly uneventful besides the weight gain. I had bouts of nausea, but no real sickness. I missed sleeping on my stomach, but I didn't mind, what a small price to pay... The planning began, what would we name this child, how would I decorate the room, and of course, was it a girl or boy? Doctor Appointments came & went, nothing of concern, my OBGYN even said we were "perfect". She sent me for routine blood tests & suggested we have a Maternal AFP screening done (this tests for Down Syndrome and other genetic disorders), we figured, why not?
Six days later we found out that we were having a girl, and that she also had a severe Neural Tube Defect called Anencephaly. The Perinatologist described the condition as "incompatible with life". I sat there on the table, heart beating, tears gushing, but my life stopped for that brief moment. It was complete anguish, a million questions and no answers. I know you shouldn't, but I felt sorry for myself. . .why did this happen to us? I was devastated for Mike, he was so strong.
It's been 5 weeks now since we ended our pregnancy and the wound is still fresh. Shortly before we found out about our baby we had taken a road trip in California. Mike had taken several pictures of me proudly displaying my expanding belly. . .I haven't been able to look at the pictures. Walking past the room which would have been the nursery brings tears to my eyes. I'm slowly starting to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes and we're looking toward our future.
Our first post-op appt was yesterday. The Dr did an ultrasound and said my uterus is healthy and cleared us to try again after 3 cycles. So there it is, to acquaintances it's like nothing ever happened, but to me this baby substantially altered my entire reality. . .do I consider myself a mother? If I meet someone new & they ask if I have kids, do I say I did have a baby that didn't live? All I know is that for the 18 weeks she grew inside me, I loved her like no one I'd ever loved before. I can only hope that there is a heaven and that my darling girl is watching over us.
As most stories begin, ours was filled with hope and pure excitement. We found out on our anniversary (June 15th) that we were going to be parents. I was up at 5am, snuck in the bathroom by myself to take the test, I just had a feeling. I thought it would be the best anniversary gift I could give. I couldn't contain my glee and woke Mike up shortly before 6am. It was absolutely surreal...he asked me to take another test before we left for work, I did, positive.
The first trimester of my pregnancy was mostly uneventful besides the weight gain. I had bouts of nausea, but no real sickness. I missed sleeping on my stomach, but I didn't mind, what a small price to pay... The planning began, what would we name this child, how would I decorate the room, and of course, was it a girl or boy? Doctor Appointments came & went, nothing of concern, my OBGYN even said we were "perfect". She sent me for routine blood tests & suggested we have a Maternal AFP screening done (this tests for Down Syndrome and other genetic disorders), we figured, why not?
Six days later we found out that we were having a girl, and that she also had a severe Neural Tube Defect called Anencephaly. The Perinatologist described the condition as "incompatible with life". I sat there on the table, heart beating, tears gushing, but my life stopped for that brief moment. It was complete anguish, a million questions and no answers. I know you shouldn't, but I felt sorry for myself. . .why did this happen to us? I was devastated for Mike, he was so strong.
It's been 5 weeks now since we ended our pregnancy and the wound is still fresh. Shortly before we found out about our baby we had taken a road trip in California. Mike had taken several pictures of me proudly displaying my expanding belly. . .I haven't been able to look at the pictures. Walking past the room which would have been the nursery brings tears to my eyes. I'm slowly starting to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes and we're looking toward our future.
Our first post-op appt was yesterday. The Dr did an ultrasound and said my uterus is healthy and cleared us to try again after 3 cycles. So there it is, to acquaintances it's like nothing ever happened, but to me this baby substantially altered my entire reality. . .do I consider myself a mother? If I meet someone new & they ask if I have kids, do I say I did have a baby that didn't live? All I know is that for the 18 weeks she grew inside me, I loved her like no one I'd ever loved before. I can only hope that there is a heaven and that my darling girl is watching over us.
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