Where do I even begin. . .I don't know who "they" are, but supposedly "they" say when you go through something traumatic or sad, you should write down your feelings...even if no one will ever read them. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I suppose that's beside the point.
As most stories begin, ours was filled with hope and pure excitement. We found out on our anniversary (June 15th) that we were going to be parents. I was up at 5am, snuck in the bathroom by myself to take the test, I just had a feeling. I thought it would be the best anniversary gift I could give. I couldn't contain my glee and woke Mike up shortly before 6am. It was absolutely surreal...he asked me to take another test before we left for work, I did, positive.
The first trimester of my pregnancy was mostly uneventful besides the weight gain. I had bouts of nausea, but no real sickness. I missed sleeping on my stomach, but I didn't mind, what a small price to pay... The planning began, what would we name this child, how would I decorate the room, and of course, was it a girl or boy? Doctor Appointments came & went, nothing of concern, my OBGYN even said we were "perfect". She sent me for routine blood tests & suggested we have a Maternal AFP screening done (this tests for Down Syndrome and other genetic disorders), we figured, why not?
Six days later we found out that we were having a girl, and that she also had a severe Neural Tube Defect called Anencephaly. The Perinatologist described the condition as "incompatible with life". I sat there on the table, heart beating, tears gushing, but my life stopped for that brief moment. It was complete anguish, a million questions and no answers. I know you shouldn't, but I felt sorry for myself. . .why did this happen to us? I was devastated for Mike, he was so strong.
It's been 5 weeks now since we ended our pregnancy and the wound is still fresh. Shortly before we found out about our baby we had taken a road trip in California. Mike had taken several pictures of me proudly displaying my expanding belly. . .I haven't been able to look at the pictures. Walking past the room which would have been the nursery brings tears to my eyes. I'm slowly starting to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes and we're looking toward our future.
Our first post-op appt was yesterday. The Dr did an ultrasound and said my uterus is healthy and cleared us to try again after 3 cycles. So there it is, to acquaintances it's like nothing ever happened, but to me this baby substantially altered my entire reality. . .do I consider myself a mother? If I meet someone new & they ask if I have kids, do I say I did have a baby that didn't live? All I know is that for the 18 weeks she grew inside me, I loved her like no one I'd ever loved before. I can only hope that there is a heaven and that my darling girl is watching over us.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Abby, I so feel for you. My wife and I went through the same thing with our first pregnancy several years ago. Although we didn't get as far along as you did, it was enough to wipe us out emotionally and physically.
I'm not sure what I can offer you in advice and all, but I do want you to know that you are not alone in this. Miscarriages happen more often than we realize (once you have one it seems like everyone comes out of the woodwork to tell you of their story), but that still doesn't help in dealing with the intense emotional baggage that it carries.
If it helps, you can read what we decided to do after our miscarriage on my wife's blog. She wrote about it briefly here. Don't let it get you too far down. Have your grieving period, but then get back out there and enjoy you and your husband's time together. Having a great supporting spouse right beside you is the best thing. That's all I could do for my wife: to be there for her.
I know that it was probably very difficult to write this, but do know that your words touched me deeply. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Take care,
Ward.
ward pretty much hit on everything I would've said here but I just want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. and I know how you feel, I know how hard it is... I know that may not make it any easier but it always helped me when I heard it... and I heard it from so many women...
yes, you are in our prayers.
I went on a journey through your blog to find your story on this topic. I hope that was ok...
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Why do we as women have to be given these types of trials? We are so emotional as it is.
I lost two pregnancies before getting pregnant with my twin boys. We were considering having help with getting pregnant and then we got this wonderful news. My first miscarriage was after 2 months. It was an emotional roller coaster, but my second one was so much harder. We were almost 4 months along. I felt the butterflies, I felt its life, it was going to be a little boy- how did that all go away?
When we found out there were two boys inside- I started to sob. I just have the strongest feeling that my little man came back- he just could not get here alone.
I hope that you do try again and I hope all goes well. It is a long hard adventure- but so worth the hard work and tears.
You are a beautiful woman- you will have beautiful children! Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry to have gone back and brought it up. Your SPT opened my mind to good and old memories. Thank you.
Found you by way of SPT.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I wish more women would share their stories. Thank you for pouring out your heart and sharing your story here.
I find it hard to fathom the little one we lost soon after we found out we were pregnant. Shortly after we conceived again and I was terrified. Georgie is a great blessing to us and even though his sibling isn't here I plan on letting him know about them in the future.
I do hope time heals... it has a bit for us. I still feel pangs of "what if" and dream about two children running about...
Post a Comment