Self Portrait Tuesday # 5

This is obviously not a huge feat of photography, but it's taken all of the will that I have to post this picture of myself for Self Portrait Tuesday. I am about 4 months pregnant and on vacation in California. This was to be our last vacation as a couple.

I thouroughly enjoyed the short time that I was pregnant. I was content with my growing belly, whereas any other time I would be completely disgusted with myself. I didn't mind the backaches, nausea, or any of the other wonderful gifts of pregnancy. I was just so thrilled to be creating this miracle inside me. I was waiting every day, every moment to feel what I knew for sure was the baby moving.

Shortly after returning home from vacation, at 18 weeks, we lost our baby. It is truly difficult for me to even look at this picture, a million thoughts run through my mind. What would I look like now, in my third trimester, if I were still pregnant? What would my delivery have been like? What would we have named her? Would she have looked more like me, or Mike?

At the bottom of my barrel of thoughts is a grain of hope. I look at this picture and know that I will be pregnant again, that I will have all of those questions answered. I'm thankful that I have this one picture of my pregnant self, not that I could possibly need reminding, but to know that I really was pregnant because sometimes it all seems like a terribly tragic dream.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday Memesday

20 Random things about me:

1. The only things I really collect are floaty pens.
2. I have an extra rib that extends into my collar bone.
3. I got a tattoo on my back when I turned 18 that I secretly hate but won't admit it was a mistake.
4. I slept with my "blankie" until I was 23
5. I refuse to eat any meat on a bone.
6. When we were kids my brother had a 50 in One Electronic & Chemistry set. I licked the miniature spoon that you measured the chemicals with and I've always been afraid that I somehow altered my molecular structure or something kooky like that.
7. I delivered triplet lambs when I was 14. Stuck my arm up there to pull them and everything.
8. That same year I was Portuguese Queen of California and danced in a Portuguese dance group.
9. I always thought I was adopted because there is not a single picture in existence where my mom is pregnant with me.
10. I got frostbite on my big toe on the right foot. There's still a numb spot on the bottom.
11. I'm horribly afraid of the dark & will run from one room to the next turning lights off & on.
12. I can win a game of solitaire on the computer in less than 60 seconds.
13. I was a waitress at Denny's when I was in high school.
14. I failed my driving test two times.
15. My first car was a 1983 VW Rabbit convertible & I had a license plate frame that said "You should see me with my top down" Was I serious?
16. I once ran into someone's mailbox with that car when I wasn't paying attention.
17. I've taken the equivalent of 5 years of Spanish, but don't speak a lick.
18. The due date of the baby I lost is my Mom's birthday.
19. If I get into bed after Mike's already asleep, I kiss him on the head and rub his back to wake him up...just because I'm ornery.
20. I am super frugal. I will walk around a store with 5 things in my cart, then talk myself out of all the potential purchases and leave with nothing after an hour.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 4

Completely embarrasing...no one in my little universe knows I'm this lazy (except my husband & parents of course). Yes, I'm in this picture otherwise it would defeat the purpose of SPT, but the important bit is the inanimate objects in the picture, and why the heck I can't just put something away when I'm done with it?

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The sad part about this is that I had to do absolutely no arranging whatsoever. This is in fact what my bathroom countertop looks like. Yeah, I'll pick it up every couple of weeks, but it always ends up in this total state of chaos. The bizarre thing is that my desk at work looks like it belongs to someone with a severe case of OCD. Every envelope meticulously lined up, papers neatly stacked, no mess whatsoever.

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I told Mike someday he's going to leave me when he's completely fed up with taking care of me. He said he'd never do that, that he'd just hire a maid. . . a hot maid!

Collage #2

Sometimes I wish that I would just keep quiet.

Self Portrait Tuesday #3

This weeks Self Portrait Tuesday is me in the bath with a little imagination added. In the winter months I love to take a nice hot bath to take the chill off (not that it gets that cold in Las Vegas). And I try to use the time to calm my ever wandering, planning, stressing mind.

I've always known that when I'm making plans and have something to look forward to is when I am most happy. I've noticed lately that my planning has turning into wanting, into obsession. Whether it has to do with something tangible or otherwise, I can't stop thinking about how bad I want it... a new purse, a fresh start, a different style, a home in a different neighborhood/city, a little self control, a purpose, new carpet, to be taken seriously. I want, want, want, and what I'd really like to do is just lie in this bath, quiet my mind, be thankful for the abundance in my life, and simply want for nothing.

Self Portrait Tuesday #2

I chose to take this weeks Self Portrait for SPT in bed because I've been spending quite a bit of time here. It has been my sanctuary... After seeing this picture in its full glory I realized the following:

• I love the shape of my eyebrows
• I didn't know I had so many freckles
• I should probably take my earrings out before I go to bed
• I think I'm beautiful (even @ 6 am), and I'm proud of that.

What does this say about my identity? I believe this:

• We have a king size bed because even though I'm married, I must have my own space
• I sleep in a camisole & bottoms, not in the nude, because I'm not completely comfortable in my own (bare) skin.
• I'm lucky to have smooth olive skin thanks to my Portuguese heritage. For the most part, this is what I look like since I don't wear makeup.
• I'm childless, hence the ability to fuss around for a good part of the morning trying to take a self portrait.

Collage #1

I've been inspired creatively by many wonderful blogs out there. Collaging has always seemed like something I might like, but had never even tried before, so . . . here's my very first. I can't begin to explain the inspiration behind this particular collage, it just wouldn't make sense. I can say it felt simply liberating to complete it.

A Google Game

I've seen this on several other blogs & got a kick out of it, so here's my top 10 "Abby Needs" as discovered on Google

- ABBY needs to go on some good walks so she can trim down & look her best.
- ABBY needs $49.27 to buy new rollerblades
- ABBY needs to learn to behave
- ABBY needs facial reconstruction surgery
- ABBY needs satin sheets and silk pajamas
- ABBY needs help with her medications
- ABBY needs to know that she will NEVER be abused
- ABBY needs a snack
- ABBY needs 24 hour care
- ABBY needs to buy her own motorcycle

This could go on forever, but these made me laugh, and that's just what I needed today.

I am fortune's fool

Today I opened a fortune cookie that contained no fortune. I was struck with an uneasy pang of, well, emptiness. Is it possible this is more than just a flub at the factory? Or maybe sometimes a cookie is just a cookie...

Self Portrait Tuesday #1

My very first Self Portrait Tuesday. I recently lost my first and unborn child after carrying her for 4 1/2 months. These magazines continue to come in the mail and are a constant reminder that I was just on the verge of being a parent...almost a mother.