Can it be so?

"A rolling stone gathers no moss"

-Publilius Syrus

Although this year is slowly nearing an end, I find myself gaining momentum. It has been a rough road thus far with several potholes & roadblocks. . . one major traffic jam in particular. I've realized that life is what we make it, that the quality of my my day/year/life will not be determined by anything other than my attitude each morning. I struggle with many distractions in my life and am learning to trust my instinct to guide me towards the correct path.

I'm hopeful for a completely felicitous new year. . . to outwardly become the person I truly am, to do the things I so desire. I'm inspired creatively by incredibly talented people to craft with my hand & my heart. I'm inspired by friends & family to love freely and to believe that broken hearts will mend and that I'm not alone...ever. So I will keep rolling, through this new year, and many to come.

Feliz Ano Novo!

Lucky Me

Not only did I just get back from a fabulous trip to San Francisco, but we got to go on a shopping spree today thanks to the wonderful invention of the "gift card".

Check out these fun shoes I bought... I'm not much of a "real" shoe person. By this I mean an actual enclosed-toe supportive/functioning shoe. Living in Las Vegas, I much prefer the flip-flop to keep the little piggies cool & calm. Since it's now our "winter" season in La La Land I figure it would be prudent of me to purchase actual foot apparel so as not to appear. . . homeless.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 9

Red door in the Marina District...I loved the character of the color, the old handle, even the security mesh!

The building that belonged to the red door...I wonder what sort of curiosities the former business contained?

A funky garage door in San Francisco. I can tell Mike was looking around, hoping no one was watching his crazy wife taking a picture of herself in a random garage door...

Storm drain in Nob hill. I'm the triangular blob of a reflection at the bottom in the water.

I couldn't help but post all 4 of my Self Portraits this Tuesday. We had a unique Christmas in San Francisco with all the sights and sounds of the city which we are completely unaccustomed to. I was glad to have the new camera to capture our adventure.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 8

Happy early Christmas to me! My company is so generous to give what's called "gainshare" each year, and this is the first year I was able to spend a good chunk of it on myself, hence the new Nikon D50.

This weeks SPT is my reflection in my monitor @ work, this is what I look at for the majority of my day... it makes me somewhat self conscious. Like I'm being watched by someone, but hey, that's me in there!

Self Portrait Tuesday # 7

I was actually fussing around with my hair before going to bed...I've been growing it out & wanted to see if I could get it into a french braid. I added the flower and thought it would be perfect for this weeks Self Portrait Tuesday - Reflection. Mike said I looked like a ballroom dancer. (aahhh, swooning, ok...) It became increasingly interesting to me because I never actually see the tattoo on my back... it scares me a little, who did I think I was? But then again, I am a Taurus.

Words that made me smile this week

• Incandescently happy
• Antithesis
• Tortfeasor

Self Portrait Tuesday # 6

I absolutely love this months challenge for SPT...Reflection. When you really look, you see that our image, in every shape and form, flattering or otherwise, is all around us. In door knobs, dividing walls in public bathrooms, puddles, paintbrush handles, cellophane packages, your lovers eye (if you get close enough!). It's a fun game to play...

Good Stuff...

Thanks Andrea for this super cool link!

Self Portrait Tuesday # 5

This is obviously not a huge feat of photography, but it's taken all of the will that I have to post this picture of myself for Self Portrait Tuesday. I am about 4 months pregnant and on vacation in California. This was to be our last vacation as a couple.

I thouroughly enjoyed the short time that I was pregnant. I was content with my growing belly, whereas any other time I would be completely disgusted with myself. I didn't mind the backaches, nausea, or any of the other wonderful gifts of pregnancy. I was just so thrilled to be creating this miracle inside me. I was waiting every day, every moment to feel what I knew for sure was the baby moving.

Shortly after returning home from vacation, at 18 weeks, we lost our baby. It is truly difficult for me to even look at this picture, a million thoughts run through my mind. What would I look like now, in my third trimester, if I were still pregnant? What would my delivery have been like? What would we have named her? Would she have looked more like me, or Mike?

At the bottom of my barrel of thoughts is a grain of hope. I look at this picture and know that I will be pregnant again, that I will have all of those questions answered. I'm thankful that I have this one picture of my pregnant self, not that I could possibly need reminding, but to know that I really was pregnant because sometimes it all seems like a terribly tragic dream.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday Memesday

20 Random things about me:

1. The only things I really collect are floaty pens.
2. I have an extra rib that extends into my collar bone.
3. I got a tattoo on my back when I turned 18 that I secretly hate but won't admit it was a mistake.
4. I slept with my "blankie" until I was 23
5. I refuse to eat any meat on a bone.
6. When we were kids my brother had a 50 in One Electronic & Chemistry set. I licked the miniature spoon that you measured the chemicals with and I've always been afraid that I somehow altered my molecular structure or something kooky like that.
7. I delivered triplet lambs when I was 14. Stuck my arm up there to pull them and everything.
8. That same year I was Portuguese Queen of California and danced in a Portuguese dance group.
9. I always thought I was adopted because there is not a single picture in existence where my mom is pregnant with me.
10. I got frostbite on my big toe on the right foot. There's still a numb spot on the bottom.
11. I'm horribly afraid of the dark & will run from one room to the next turning lights off & on.
12. I can win a game of solitaire on the computer in less than 60 seconds.
13. I was a waitress at Denny's when I was in high school.
14. I failed my driving test two times.
15. My first car was a 1983 VW Rabbit convertible & I had a license plate frame that said "You should see me with my top down" Was I serious?
16. I once ran into someone's mailbox with that car when I wasn't paying attention.
17. I've taken the equivalent of 5 years of Spanish, but don't speak a lick.
18. The due date of the baby I lost is my Mom's birthday.
19. If I get into bed after Mike's already asleep, I kiss him on the head and rub his back to wake him up...just because I'm ornery.
20. I am super frugal. I will walk around a store with 5 things in my cart, then talk myself out of all the potential purchases and leave with nothing after an hour.

Self Portrait Tuesday # 4

Completely embarrasing...no one in my little universe knows I'm this lazy (except my husband & parents of course). Yes, I'm in this picture otherwise it would defeat the purpose of SPT, but the important bit is the inanimate objects in the picture, and why the heck I can't just put something away when I'm done with it?

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The sad part about this is that I had to do absolutely no arranging whatsoever. This is in fact what my bathroom countertop looks like. Yeah, I'll pick it up every couple of weeks, but it always ends up in this total state of chaos. The bizarre thing is that my desk at work looks like it belongs to someone with a severe case of OCD. Every envelope meticulously lined up, papers neatly stacked, no mess whatsoever.

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I told Mike someday he's going to leave me when he's completely fed up with taking care of me. He said he'd never do that, that he'd just hire a maid. . . a hot maid!

Collage #2

Sometimes I wish that I would just keep quiet.

Self Portrait Tuesday #3

This weeks Self Portrait Tuesday is me in the bath with a little imagination added. In the winter months I love to take a nice hot bath to take the chill off (not that it gets that cold in Las Vegas). And I try to use the time to calm my ever wandering, planning, stressing mind.

I've always known that when I'm making plans and have something to look forward to is when I am most happy. I've noticed lately that my planning has turning into wanting, into obsession. Whether it has to do with something tangible or otherwise, I can't stop thinking about how bad I want it... a new purse, a fresh start, a different style, a home in a different neighborhood/city, a little self control, a purpose, new carpet, to be taken seriously. I want, want, want, and what I'd really like to do is just lie in this bath, quiet my mind, be thankful for the abundance in my life, and simply want for nothing.

Self Portrait Tuesday #2

I chose to take this weeks Self Portrait for SPT in bed because I've been spending quite a bit of time here. It has been my sanctuary... After seeing this picture in its full glory I realized the following:

• I love the shape of my eyebrows
• I didn't know I had so many freckles
• I should probably take my earrings out before I go to bed
• I think I'm beautiful (even @ 6 am), and I'm proud of that.

What does this say about my identity? I believe this:

• We have a king size bed because even though I'm married, I must have my own space
• I sleep in a camisole & bottoms, not in the nude, because I'm not completely comfortable in my own (bare) skin.
• I'm lucky to have smooth olive skin thanks to my Portuguese heritage. For the most part, this is what I look like since I don't wear makeup.
• I'm childless, hence the ability to fuss around for a good part of the morning trying to take a self portrait.

Collage #1

I've been inspired creatively by many wonderful blogs out there. Collaging has always seemed like something I might like, but had never even tried before, so . . . here's my very first. I can't begin to explain the inspiration behind this particular collage, it just wouldn't make sense. I can say it felt simply liberating to complete it.

A Google Game

I've seen this on several other blogs & got a kick out of it, so here's my top 10 "Abby Needs" as discovered on Google

- ABBY needs to go on some good walks so she can trim down & look her best.
- ABBY needs $49.27 to buy new rollerblades
- ABBY needs to learn to behave
- ABBY needs facial reconstruction surgery
- ABBY needs satin sheets and silk pajamas
- ABBY needs help with her medications
- ABBY needs to know that she will NEVER be abused
- ABBY needs a snack
- ABBY needs 24 hour care
- ABBY needs to buy her own motorcycle

This could go on forever, but these made me laugh, and that's just what I needed today.

I am fortune's fool

Today I opened a fortune cookie that contained no fortune. I was struck with an uneasy pang of, well, emptiness. Is it possible this is more than just a flub at the factory? Or maybe sometimes a cookie is just a cookie...

Self Portrait Tuesday #1

My very first Self Portrait Tuesday. I recently lost my first and unborn child after carrying her for 4 1/2 months. These magazines continue to come in the mail and are a constant reminder that I was just on the verge of being a parent...almost a mother.

Random Observation

Every day I travel the same road to work, and most days I see the same cars, the same drivers...doing their makeup, drinking their coffee. One car & driver combo struck me silly this morning.

The car: Early 90s Jeep Wrangler, rusty red but mostly covered in dirt from what I assume to have been multiple muddy adventures, soft top with sides removed, equipped w/ winch, etc.

The driver: Early 30s, strong faced (scruffy), mountain man type. Flannel shirt, jeans, & boots. I get the sense that he may not have showered in the last 48 hours, yet...

The funny thing is, for at least 5 minutes straight, he primps himself in the rear view mirror. He fusses with his hair, puts on chap stick, fusses with the hair some more. It made me giggle that he looked like he had just rolled out of a 2 week camping trip, but put more effort into his "look" than I ever have...

I'll try & snap a picture of him this week

It's been awhile. . .

Where do I even begin. . .I don't know who "they" are, but supposedly "they" say when you go through something traumatic or sad, you should write down your feelings...even if no one will ever read them. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I suppose that's beside the point.

As most stories begin, ours was filled with hope and pure excitement. We found out on our anniversary (June 15th) that we were going to be parents. I was up at 5am, snuck in the bathroom by myself to take the test, I just had a feeling. I thought it would be the best anniversary gift I could give. I couldn't contain my glee and woke Mike up shortly before 6am. It was absolutely surreal...he asked me to take another test before we left for work, I did, positive.

The first trimester of my pregnancy was mostly uneventful besides the weight gain. I had bouts of nausea, but no real sickness. I missed sleeping on my stomach, but I didn't mind, what a small price to pay... The planning began, what would we name this child, how would I decorate the room, and of course, was it a girl or boy? Doctor Appointments came & went, nothing of concern, my OBGYN even said we were "perfect". She sent me for routine blood tests & suggested we have a Maternal AFP screening done (this tests for Down Syndrome and other genetic disorders), we figured, why not?

Six days later we found out that we were having a girl, and that she also had a severe Neural Tube Defect called Anencephaly. The Perinatologist described the condition as "incompatible with life". I sat there on the table, heart beating, tears gushing, but my life stopped for that brief moment. It was complete anguish, a million questions and no answers. I know you shouldn't, but I felt sorry for myself. . .why did this happen to us? I was devastated for Mike, he was so strong.

It's been 5 weeks now since we ended our pregnancy and the wound is still fresh. Shortly before we found out about our baby we had taken a road trip in California. Mike had taken several pictures of me proudly displaying my expanding belly. . .I haven't been able to look at the pictures. Walking past the room which would have been the nursery brings tears to my eyes. I'm slowly starting to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes and we're looking toward our future.

Our first post-op appt was yesterday. The Dr did an ultrasound and said my uterus is healthy and cleared us to try again after 3 cycles. So there it is, to acquaintances it's like nothing ever happened, but to me this baby substantially altered my entire reality. . .do I consider myself a mother? If I meet someone new & they ask if I have kids, do I say I did have a baby that didn't live? All I know is that for the 18 weeks she grew inside me, I loved her like no one I'd ever loved before. I can only hope that there is a heaven and that my darling girl is watching over us.

Eureka!!

Finally...I was successful at donating blood. I did have somewhat of an odd reaction, I kept sweating, and sweating. . .and, you guessed it, more sweat!! Yuck, my legs were actually glistening. I did it though, and no show tickets this time...but I was absolutely proud to wear my "I'm a Hero, I donated blood" sticker!

Me & Mom (freezing in Utah!)

Me & Mom (Easter)

One of these things is not like the others

This must have been the leper version of Barrel of Monkeys?

Sites I like to look at. . .

Gravely Gorgeous
Earth Calendar

Happy Birthday Logan

Catherine's baby Logan is celebrating his first whole year of life today and we were able to share in the festivities. We made it to Murrieta, CA in 3 1/2 hours and had a great weekend with the Lara's and family. Their new home is absolutely gorgeous, commodious yet quite homey and comfortable (it slept 11 just fine). I wish they didn't live so far away, as I miss my best friend, but it was nice to get out of town and have a change of scenery. Hopefully I'll be back soon for a girls (and baby) weekend!


Japanese shot on the way to Murrieta

Napping with baby Logan

Lara Family

1st Birthday cake

yummy!

Logan. . .you're not that old yet!

Spring Cleaning

my side


mike's side

What else would a perfectly normal person do on their weekend than neurotically clean and organize their closet? My mother should be proud. . .and maybe a little concerned.

A neurotic can neither enjoy his illusions nor give them up.

-Mason Cooley

A Welcome Change

bed


fireplace

Finally, after living in our new home for almost a year, we've made it to our bedroom. We went with a monochromatic theme with romantic touches. It's just so nice to put a fresh coat of paint up to make it your own. It's difficult to tell in the pictures, but the stripes on the wall are actually pearlescent. We just need a rug and a few more decor items and we'll move onto the next project!!

Blogs I thoroughly enjoy. . .

Things I Hate About My Flatmate
Post Secret
Kristen's Sketch Blog
Ward-O-Matic

Oh la la!

Mike and I had a great dinner on the balcony of Mon Ami Gabi at the Paris Casino. The food delectable and the atmosphere enchanting. . .it felt like we were on vacation. The picture is the fountains directly across the strip at Bellagio. I picked up tickets for me and my mom to see We Will Rock You on Easter Sunday, and made it home just in time to catch American Idol. Mario is so going to win!

Another Donation Dilemma

So. . .I made a second attempt at donating blood, and was again unsuccessful. Even more pitiful than the first try, this time, I didn't even get to get stuck! My blood pressure was 75/49 (way too low to donate, or even function), so I was sent away, and none the less with free tickets to see Penn & Teller. I suppose I'll go back again, if not to be a good Samaritan, or because of the incessant calls from United Blood Services, but at least so I don't feel like a thief for getting free tickets.

Something New

I can't really say why I did this. . . maybe I'm just bored, maybe there is no reason. At first I was afraid I would be sent home from work for disregarding the strict clothing and grooming guidelines, but in a twist of fate, my boss only complimented me on "my new color". . .maybe he's color blind? Anyway, it's just hair.

My new color!!

top side

Spring in Las Vegas

We're just on the verge of Spring and I can hardly wait. . .the weather is perfectly enjoyable. Soon it will be sweltering and I can hardly wait to jump in the pool, but for now I'll relish in the sun-kissed afternoons and gentle evening breezes. I can't believe it's already March, I feel like the year has just began. . .or is it almost 1/4 over?

Man O Man!!

. Is this not totally sick!! It's getting worse and I'm completely addicted to looking at it. I hope it goes away soon or people are going to start thinking I'm a junkie. Anyway, had a great weekend with my dad visiting...nothing too exciting...went to see the Aviator which was mostly odd.

What the heck!

. So, I made an attempt to be a generous citizen today and donate blood. I've never donated before, and have never been good at giving blood, even for minor tests. Needless to say, it didn't go well. And, as you can see from the picture, I barely made it out alive. :) I'll go back though. . .I'm determined now!!

Girls Night Out

We had a great girls night out last night! We went to Gilley's at the Frontier Casino on the strip, I was hesitant about going to a country bar, but we had a blast. Sara, Catherine's sister-in-law and her friend Kay also came. . .it was nice to hang out with just girls. I didn't have anything to drink, and actually got out on the floor and danced. . .I haven't line danced since my 4-H years, but they also play rap/hip-hop there which is kind of wierd. Anyway...can't believe Catherine is moving back to California...what am I going to do?

Catherine & Abby (Girls night out 12/14)

First Entry

I've never done this before and I'm not sure what I'm doing... I'll figure it out in time. I don't even know if anyone will ever read this, but I thought it would be nice, even if just for myself, to keep track of what's going on in my life.